15 January 2012
When your Kids push your Buttons…
Who would have thought that a book written in 2003 by Bonnie Harris “When Your Kids Push Your Buttons, And What You Can Do About It” would spin me out tonight.
I had this book sitting on my bookshelf for ages. It was for sale on eBay but no-one seemed to buy it and then I finally sold it today, hurrah! I fanned the pages to make sure there is nothing in there that should not be there before wrapping it up for postage.
As I fanned the pages a certain heading caught my attention:
“She’s out to get me!” I stopped to read the rest. I could not put the book down. Little Miss M will be 3 in May and oh, how can she push MY buttons at such a young age! I know she is a very clever, strong-willed individual and I certainly don’t want to break her spirit but I also had to find a way around our occasional conflicts. Already in kindy she seems to be the leader by initiating games and the other kids follow her instructions. I always admired that about her when I first heard about it from her teachers. I was a follower, still am sometimes. Although, I have to say, I never, ever thought or said my daughter is “out to get me”, it was just the heading that caught my attention.
What rattled my cage were the next few pages. It made me review my own childhood. Just to make it clear from the start, whilst I do believe we are shaped by our childhood, I never really thought there was anything terribly wrong with my childhood. To this day I maintain I had a great childhood, in many ways very innocent too. For the first time in my entire life I realise now that all I ever wanted to do was to keep the peace at home and gain my parent’s approval. My sister was the feisty, fighting one, pushing my mother to the end of her tether until she exploded in anger. I, on the other hand, did everything to please my mother. To this day it is still the same! I’m not saying I’m Miss Goody Two Shoes. Oh yes, I was quite a rascal and tomboy from time to time too and certainly did get into trouble just as much.
So, back to the future, ….
What has this all to do with my daughter and I? Well, from time to time since her toddler years started, we have our occasional battle of wills and thus far I believed that it was just a matter of me guiding her into doing what is the right thing to do and not really understanding why she won’t do it. That is until I read further…
In essence, because I grew up trying to please my parents; unintentionally I wanted Little Miss M to please me too (per se). Thus unwittingly I was trying to shape her into conforming to MY way just like my mother did when I grew up. Most importantly, I know I am a very good mum to my little girl but sometimes when the battles of wills raged out of hand I doubted my ability to raise this child and occasionally thought that I wasn’t a good mum (just self-doubt). I didn’t know how to get around these feelings until today.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have “mother issues” or any issues for that matter… it was just a lightbulb moment where I realised how I was raised is not necessarily how Little Miss Independent should or needs to be raised.
At a deeper level…
It also then occurred to me that since my separation from my daughter’s dad my confident levels have dipped considerably. I thought it was just normal to feel that way and that it would take time to heal from these wounds. I realise now that growing up and wanting to please everyone is something I continued doing throughout my adult life and in my relationships with partners and friends alike, putting their needs ahead of my own. This is not something that can be changed overnight but certainly something I will be mindful of.
Another point I would like to make is that, as parents we are bound to make “mistakes”. It is never our intention and we have the best in mind for our children. Our parents made mistakes too but they may never realise it. It is how WE perceive those mistakes and whether we choose to blame our parents for these “mistakes. I don’t, do you?
Self-realisation is incredibly powerful and a great healer towards something better to come.
♥
(Image Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Goody_Two-Shoes_%281%29.jpg)
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